Thing to Do #41: Be Friends With Your Ex

I’ve mentioned this briefly in prior posts, but I was married once before.  I guess in these last few days before taking the plunge again, its only natural to reflect upon the past.

I will say first and foremost that I am still friends with my ex-husband.  We were friends first and were probably always better friends than lovers.  He and I continue to talk almost every day.  He likes Alex and I talk to him about his love life.  No one could say that he isn’t a great guy, very thoughtful and polite.  He was always quick to compliment me and he really did love me.

Todd and I first met the very last night of a memorable summer I spent working as a server at Applebee’s.  It was Friday night and I would leave the next day to return to college for my sophomore year; he had just transfered to my Applebee’s as a new manager.  I don’t really remember much about this first encounter, except that he seemed nervous and rather quiet, probably having more to do with a new position and new people to meet, than anything to do with me.

I came back to work during Christmas break and it was at this point that he began flirting with me.  I couldn’t figure him out; because while it seemed like he was flirting, he was also painfully shy and blushed very easily (still does).  But we became friends and exchanged emails before I left again, this time for a month-long internship at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

That month was very difficult for me as I was incredibly homesick, being in such a foreign place (to me), as well as the fact that I was staying with a college friend and we were not getting along.  I spent a lot of time at the computer, writing long emails to Todd.  In that way, we began a true friendship, really getting to know one another.

When I returned to college, we continued to talk online and on the phone and in the middle of February, I came home for a visit.  We had the “talk”-the dreaded conversation about “what we were and where we were going” and decided that we would “take the relationship to the next level.” 

Thus began our relationship.  Mostly long distance while I was in college, and even still a little long distance when I was at home for the summer, as I lived 45 minutes away from his apartment in Raleigh.  Even still,  we were in that wonderful Honeymoon stage that all couples have and even started talking about big future stuff.  By June, we were engaged.  Even though we had gotten engaged after 4 months of courtship, it was always understood that I would not get married until I had graduated college, which was still two years away.  So although we had “rushed” into getting engaged, we still had plenty of time to figure each other out before we had gotten married.

Over the next two years, we remained mostly a long distance couple; during the school year we probably only saw each other twice a month, a few times a weekend.  In the summers, we would see each other slightly more, but far from every day.  

We fought, but I thought all couples fought.  We would have screaming, horrible fights, where each would insult the other, doors slammed, pillows thrown, phones hung up.  I had always had relationships like this, so I didn’t think much of it.  While I’m on the subject, Todd and I still have horrible arguments.  I guess we just know each other’s buttons.

Although he was 3 years older than me, Todd was rather immature.  He was very irresponsible with his finances, often spending money on unnecessary items like DVDs or new clothes, instead of paying his rent or credit card bills. 

He was also very messy.  To give an example, I spent a weekend at his apartment and spent the whole time cleaning, removing three trash bags full of garbage from his room, most of which had just been on the floor.  He would leave plates of half-eaten food or partially filled cups of tea and soda around, allowing bugs to crawl around and mold to grow.  I, on the other hand, am incredibly neat and like things organized and just so.

So, even though Todd was financially irresponsible, messy, and we fought like cats and dogs, I still thought getting married would be ok.  The financial issues and messiness I thought was symptomatic of being young and a bachelor.  I sincerely thought that once he was married, Todd would automatically realize that he no longer had only himself to consider, but rather, he was now part of a family.  I never went into it thinking he would change, per se, simply, “grow up.”

I was wrong.

We were married August 2002, went to Disney World for our Honeymoon, and then returned to North Carolina to live in a house owned by his grandmother.  I had just graduated from college but was not having success at finding a professional job, so not only were we now living together, we were working together at Applebee’s.  Going from a psedo-long distance relationship to being with each other almost every minute of the day was an abrupt change. 

In April 2003, I got a job at a library so at least we were no longer working with one another.  We had tried to strike a deal that he got one room where he could be as messy as he desired (his office), but his messiness still found its way into the living room, kitchen, and bedroom.  Over time, the stress increased as I felt I was more heavily burdened with the house hold bills.  We fought.

After I left the library and started teaching, I was also going to school for my Masters in Education.  About this time, Todd quit his job, stating that he was no longer happy working for Applebee’s and sought employment in something other than food service.  He also enrolled in distance courses at UNC (for which I paid). 

I would come home from work, after being there from 7am to 5pm, then working on teaching plans or grading papers or doing school work for my graduate classes.  He, meanwhile, for two months, would stay home and play video games.  He wasn’t doing much in the way of searching for a new job or working on his school work.  When he eventually got a job, it was delivering pizzas at Domino’s. 

I had grown tired of fighting and what I was beginning to see as not just immaturity but simply who he was.  Maybe some guys never grow up.  My parents have a wonderful relationship, near perfection, with no (visible) fighting and they truly do every thing for one another, out of love.  I have always called it “movie love”-that love that you think only exists in movies.  I had begun to realize that not only did I not have “movie love” but that it did exist and I had settled.  I began to think that even if it meant that I never found my movie love, I should at least give myself the chance, or I’d regret it forever.

The distance classes that he was in were 9 month courses, meaning that all the work was due in May 2005.  I made a little deal with myself that if he didn’t finish the courses, I would leave.  As far as I know, he never turned in the first assignment.  I was all set to leave but in May, he had an episode, which was later deemed a panic attack, but warranted an overnight stay in the hospital and in good conscience, I couldn’t leave with him in that condition. 

I postponed the date til July 1, 2005.  It was at this time that I did the worst thing I’ve done in my life.

I had tried to leave several times before, but he always took my keys or stood in my way.  Therefore, I knew I would have to leave when he wasn’t home.  On July 1st, a Friday, I went to work as usual.  He would be going into work later and working til the evening.  I came back home after he had left to go to work and started packing.  In a matter of a 4 hours, I had packed everything I owned (minus large furniture and the like).  I had my parents come and help me move out.

This meant that when Todd came home, I was already packed and everything was in the car.  I felt it would be worse for him to come home to a half-empty house and me not be there, so I was still there when he arrived.  That’s why my parents were there, so that he couldn’t stop me from leaving.  It was heartbreaking to see his face, to hear him.  He had always thought the threats of leaving were simply that-threats. 

I had already made up my mind-it was over.  It was important to me to stay friends with Todd and those first few months were really difficult.  He was angry, as he had a right to be.  But we kept at it and managed to have one of the most peaceful seperations/divorces.  In fact, several people commented that our divorce was happier than many other people’s marriages.

Now, four years later, he has a good job (it pays more than the job I have!) that he actually enjoys, is living on his own, paying and managing his bills reasonably well, and all around seemingly happy.  I guess it just took him a little bit longer than some to grow up.

Like I said, we still get into fights, still scream at one another and hang up on one another.  But I couldn’t imagine him not in my life, if for any thing, so that I know what’s going on in the wide world of sports.  He’s happy for me that I’m getting married (although he’s joked that he plans to spend June 6 drunk) and I sincerely hope he finds someone with whom he can be happy.